Are you sure we're not decended from monkeys?
Thanks Jim.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Happy Ascension Thursday, Everyone!
Today is Ascension Thursday. From the looks of it, Jesus made something of a habit of saying goodbye. I think he was milking the attention...
INT. DISCIPLES HQ, THE HOLY LAND - DAY
Jesus and the DISCIPLES are lounging around the pad on pre-medieval bean-bags and trendy basket chairs, being generally holy.
Jesus has a furtive glance then gets up and approaches the door. Thomas looks up...
THOMAS: Where you off to?
JESUS: Me? I'm er... going round Mary's. She's er... I have to cast out a demon.
THOMAS: Again? That's the seventh time this month. You sure it's not just an allergy, or something?
JESUS: No no, definately a demon.
Thomas shrugs. Jesus exits. Thomas looks at Simon...
THOMAS: Casting out demons, my arse.
INT. MARY MAGDALENE'S HUT, MAGDALA - DAY
Jesus and Mary are in the middle of passionate love-making.
MARY: (Gasping) Bigger....! Bigger...!
JESUS: (Gasping back) What? ... Even bigger?!
Jesus closes his eyes and concentrates. Mary's eyes go wide...
Mary: Oh my God!
JESUS: Yes?
MARY: Sorry, I meant 'Oh my God' as in... OH MY FUCKING GOD!
JESUS: Is that big enough, babe?
MARY: Yes! Oh Yes! ... well... maybe just a touch more... Don't stop!
Jesus continues humping away.
MARY: Oh my God...
JESUS: Yes?
MARY: ...I don't know if I can take another 40 days of this! They said you'd 'come again'. Oh boy, did you...
JESUS: (stops) What did you say?
MARY: I said, 'Oh boy, did you'. Don't stop!
JESUS: No, about 40 days. Oh fuck...
MARY: What? What's wrong?
JESUS: I gotta go.
MARY: Not yet! I'm... I'm still 'possessed'. Look at me...
Mary mocks an exaggerated crazy face. Tongue waggling around, eyes rolling.
JESUS: No, I really have to go...
Jesus starts lifting into the air.
MARY: What? Where're you going?
JESUS: I forgot, didn't I? It's Ascension Day...
Jesus crashes through the roof leaving Mary, half-amazed, half-unsatisfied. Plaster flies everywhere as Jesus zooms into the distance...
JESUS: Sorry about the roof...!
EXT. MAGDALA - DAY
Thomas and Simon are walking along. They turn as they hear a huge CRASHING SOUND in time to see JESUS flying through Mary's roof and into the sky...
THOMAS: Jesus Christ!
SIMON: Our Lord!
THOMAS: What's he doing?
SIMON: He's ascending.
THOMAS: What's that then?
SIMON: He is ascending unto His Father, who art in Heaven.
THOMAS: Ah... Blimey, look at the size of His--
SIMON: --Lord Jesus, He is taken up! Dressed in robes of pure white...!
THOMAS: What you talking about - he's butt-naked.
SIMON: Look! Can't you see His Holy Vestments?!
THOMAS: No. And why has he got a stiffy?
SIMON: Thomas, that is not a 'stiffy' as you or I would know it. That is the Power and the Glory of the Holy Spirit, manifesting itself incarnate!
THOMAS: That's some power and some glory. Lucky bastard. Why is He being taken up, anyway?
SIMON: To sit in Heaven.
THOMAS: What, Heaven is literally up in the sky?
SIMON: Well... er... clearly...
A small CROWD of VILLAGERS has started to gather around them...
THOMAS: Which part of the sky contains Heaven, then, the atmosphere bit or the outer space bit?
Simon thinks a moment, aware of the crowd listening. Then...
SIMON: (pointing) Look, He's being taken into a cloud!
THOMAS: What?
SIMON: See?! Angels by His side!
THOMAS: Where?
SIMON: (pointing furiously) There, one on each side!
THOMAS: What, those bits of cloud?
SIMON: (to the crowd) Oh, by the Glory of the Almighty, Jesus is accepted unto Heaven! There did Angels of God stand at the gates to welcome Him, as the eyes of I, Simon, and he, Thomas, did bear witness!
THOMAS: Mine didn't.
SIMON: As the eyes of I, Simon, and later, upon reflection, so did he, (giving Thomas a meaningful look) Thomas, also agree to seeing them.
THOMAS: So, Heaven is in a cloud, then?
SIMON: What?
THOMAS: A cloud. A visible mass of condensed droplets or ice crystals suspended in the atmosphere - that's where Heaven is, is it?
SIMON: Heaven is not of this earth, Thomas. It is not of 'condensed droplets' or 'ice crystals'.
THOMAS: So, why does He have to go up, then?
SIMON: Because... well, because...
Some of the CROWD have turned to listen to their conversation. Simon shifts about uncomfortably.
SIMON: (to Thomas) Look, can we have this conversation later? (to Crowd) Yes, thank you! Can everybody just, y'know...
Simon waves the crowd away. They reluctantly disperse. Simon and Thomas walk away. As they pass Mary's house, Mary appears at the door and looks up into the sky.
THOMAS: If she's up the duff, someone's going to make a fortune.
SIMON: What do you mean?
THOMAS: Well, they'll probably write some controversial book about it, or something.
SIMON: Ah... Now, about this Heaven thing...
Simon and Thomas walk off into the sunset...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Yes!
I am not only the Blasphemer, I am also the Prophet of Atheism. Who says "dreams can't come true"?!
Atheists and Death
There's an interesting discussion going on on the Raving Atheist Forums.
Antix, whose grandmother has just died at the age of 93, says,
"And now here I am. An atheist and my grandmother just died. So how do I feel? Sad, of course-- we were pretty close. But at the same time... inspired I guess is the best word I can think of. Memories remain and that's a pretty powerful thing. I know now she's in a state of "existance" so to speak... no pain and suffering. No regret. No unanswered questions... Nothingness. Yet memories do remain. A part of our lives that remain strong until our own time comes.
One thought did spring up in me quite strongly when I first heard the news. I will not mourn for the recently deceased. I instead will honor her through remembering all the positive things she did in life and remember the wisdom in which she held. I will always remember that life is a wonderful thing not to be squandered by doing nothing while waiting for the "next life"..."
Some Music Wot I Wrote
About 7 years ago, I wrote this with my Mrs. I did the programming, drums, samples, some vocal fx (the sample which sounds like someone going "ha" is me going "ha") and Sarah wrote and sings the song bit. I can't remember who wrote the lyrics, we probably both had a hand in them.
I haven't found anywhere to stream audio direct from blogger, so what you've got here is an mp3 file, about 5mb worth...
A True Light.mp3
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I Am Blasphemy
I've been working as a blasphemer for about four months, now. Here's a list of my top 13 impieties. Why 13? I dunno.
- Easter Sinday
- God Belief V26.2 - Installation Guide
- Lord, Saviour... Transvestite?
- Pro-Sanity
- The End is Nigh
- Jesus Christ: The Resurrection Years
- Paul Addresses the Asparagus
- WIN! WIN! WIN!
- Forgive Me If I Appear Paranoid...
- And Lo...
- AD 2006: An Historical De-Mythologising of Jesus the Christ of Man Kind
- Alice & the Parrot
- Belief
I typed "blaspheme" into google and found someone doing this.
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Da Vinci Code
A deliberate and cynical attempt to get me some internet traffic. A bit like the book.
And here's a picture of Dan Brown...
The Ten Commandments
Should the USA government remain secular, or is it a nation founded on The Ten Commandments?
I've heard many Americans say the laws of their country are based on these commandments and it is, therefore, right to have them posted up in various governmental institutions.
We may not all be Christian, but we generally go along with their moral code, don't we? I mean, to say otherwise would make us total scumbags, wouldn't it?
The following is the text of the commonly accepted (by Christian and Jewish authorities) commandments as found in the book of Exodus. So this is what you get if the laws of your country are founded on them:
1: God spoke all these words, saying: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, from the place of slavery.
You will be legally required to believe in God.
2: Do not have any other gods before Me. Do not represent [such] gods by any carved statue or picture of anything in the heaven above, on the earth below, or in the water below the land. Do not bow down to [such gods] or worship them. I am God your Lord, a God who demands exclusive worship. Where My enemies are concerned, I keep in mind the sin of the fathers for [their] descendants, to the third and fourth [generation]. But for those who love Me and keep My commandments, I show love for thousands [of generations].
You will legally be required to follow the Christian god and it will be a criminal offense to follow any other. Also, if you're found worshiping anything other than God - and this includes a picture or statue of him - you will be locked away.
3: Do not take the name of God your Lord in vain. God will not allow the one who takes His name in vain to go unpunished.
At my son's school, a boy was punished for saying "Oh my God". If your nation's laws prohibit this, however, expect to find yourself spending a few days in clink for this terrible crime. This law also:
- prohibits the misappropriation of religious language in order to commit a crime (isn't that basically describing Christianty?),
- to participate in occult practices (erm, Christianity?),
- or blaspheming against places or people that are holy to God (basically, whatever Christian leaders decide is blasphemous this week, you'll be locked up for it).
4: Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. You can work during the six weekdays and do all your tasks. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God your Lord. Do not do anything that constitutes work. [This includes] you, your son, your daughter, your slave, your maid, your animal, and the foreigner in your gates. It was during the six weekdays that God made the heaven, the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. God therefore blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
Seems to be a bit of confusion as to whether it's Saturday or Sunday you should not be working on. Whatever day, do anything but rest or worship God and you'll find yourself getting a visit from the law. But don't worry, when they arrive, just point out they shouldn't be working, either. I do hope there aren't any fires or medical emergencies, though, what with all the firefighters and doctors sitting at home with their feet up.
Also, if you want to start up the slave trade, again, feel free. Just so long as they don't have to sweat in your cotton fields on the Sabbath.
5: Honor your father and mother. You will then live long on the land that God your Lord is giving you.
This is going to be great. Prosecutor: "I put it to you, that you did willfully answer back to your mother upon the occasion of your being scolded for leaving dirty socks in the "Cooked Meat Only" compartment of the freezer." I reckon you should get 10-20 stretch for that.
6: Do not commit murder.
Glad God pointed that out. Otherwise we'd all be running round with axes hacking bits off people at random. OK, this law might actually be worthwile. But has anyone ever heard of a society where it is ok to kill each other? Well, the US does have the death penalty.
7: Do not commit adultery.
Stick to one partner or you'll be locked up.
8: Do not steal.
Unless it's Jerusalem and you're a medieval God-fearing knight. In fact, Christians are allowed to steal entire continents from any non-Christian indigenous tribal groups.
9: Do not testify as a false witness against your neighbor.
Don't lie (not restricted to your neighbours). There's no get-out clause for "white" lies, either. So, next time your girlfriend asks if you think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, reply "You're the best looking women I could find who also happens to find me attractive." And don't tell your workmate you can't come to her barbeque because you've got to paint the kitchen ceiling, just give her the truth - although she's quite nice, you find her company tedious in the extreme and you only talk to her at work so she'll cover for you while you take an extra hour for lunch.
If you don't, I'm calling the cops.
10: Do not be envious of your neighbor's house. Do not be envious of your neighbor's wife, his slave, his maid, his ox, his donkey, or anything else that is your neighbor's.
Whatever your sexual preferences in women or farmyard animals, your neighbours belongings are totally out of bounds.
So, not only is it illegal to pinch stuff, it's also illegal to want stuff that isn't yours. In which case, advertising is purely for the purpose of tempting people to commit a thought crime. That's the economy of the richest nation in the world fucked, then. Enjoy living in mud huts, my American friends, I'm afraid you're going to be skint. Good news for global warming, though.
Following these laws, I think you may as well make your entire country a prison, as everyone is going to be doing multiple life terms.
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