The Infinite Possibility Church of the Unmighty Athe

Athe gave us His Athewrongs and Atherights - a set of rules which He admits is entirely the product of his own opinion, and which are only to be followed until someone can think up some better ones.

Following on from my previous post showing how Athe created the Universe, today I will be talking about Athe's Infinite Commandments. They are infinite, because He sees no reason to stop thinking up new ones. Also, you might think the term "Commandments" is a bit authoritarian for the god of Atheism. But Athe doesn't mean us to see His commandments as literal orders, like the commandments of other gods. Under the eyes of Athe, commandments are more or less suggestions. Athe skeptics say He only calls them "commandments" because it sounds cooler. But this is exactly what He intended:

Athe said "I give to you my Word. Therein that Word lies my Inconsistency. The skeptics will see the Inconsistency and rejoice. And such is my wish. For upon proving I am not, the world will be without purpose. And all things will seem needless but still quite interesting."

Athe's commandments are based solely in reality. His first, for example, denies it is better to give than reveive as, clearly, it is better to receive than give. Therefore, it is an Athewrong to give - a true Atheist must only receive (admittedly, this may lead to a lack of Christmas and birthday presents available amongst the Atheist community).

Athe, being an atheist god, denies His own existence.

This is one of the hardest concepts for the unAtheist to grasp as it would appear to be an obstacle to worshiping Him. However, by denying Athe's existence, his followers are at least accepting the possibility that He exists which, Atheists will argue, is usually enough to convince believers of other religions. Indeed, an Atheist worships his god by denying Him, as this is what the Atheist knows pleases Athe the most (were He to exist).

The second Athewrong, then, is: an Atheist must never accept the Unmighty Athe is anything other than a superstitious belief.

Note: One poor unAtheist asked "How do you know Athe is a he?" Of course, Atheists know Athe has the potential to be either a He or She. It's just more practical for Him to be a He, as it allows Him to lift heavy objects, reach things from high shelves, open sticky jam jar lids and urinate from a moving car whilst driving it - abilities essential for managing a Universe which is entirely self-managing.

The denial of Athe's existence is so fundemental to an Atheist's belief, many skeptics have tried to undermine Atheism by proving Athe does exist. Their argument usually follows that, although it is impossible for infinity to exist, it must, as it would be silly to imagine getting to the edge of the Universe and finding a brick wall, or that everything might suddenly stop happening. Therefore, infinity must exist. If infinity exists, then all things exist, including Athe.

There is nothing more upsetting for the Atheist than to have the existence of their god proved.

Which is why we must look to the word of Athe for guidance. In the Entirely Mythical Book of Athe (not to be taken seriously) we are told that the very day mankind evolved from homoerectus, people looked up to the sky (because it felt right) and asked: "Athe, why have we a strong sense of our own self-importance whilst all evidence indicates our universe is indifferent to our fate?" And Athe said unto them, "Don't ask me."

What this tells us is that Athe created us so that we could be witness to His Mediocrity: the Unmighty's universal Futility and Meaninglessness. In fact, these two commandaments, being the only two commandments he could think of before His Age of Boredom began, show: it is His wish for us to be aimless. We need to seek aimlessness, for therein lies the ultimate purity of mankind. The pointless nothing is the purest form of perfection.

The best evidence that Athe does not exist, however, is this: if He did exist, personal mp3 players would be much smaller.

Atheism, Coming to a Church Near You...

In the beginning Athe created the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur with a big bang.

Now all the matter and energy in the universe was at an immense temperature and density.

And Athe said, "Let there be electromagnetic radiation with a wavelength that is visible to the eye" and there was light. Athe saw that the light was good, but realised His opinion of light was just a subjective value based on an emotional response. And there was evening, and Athe showered, took a sleeping pill and went to bed and there was morning — the first day.

And Athe said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So Athe made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. Athe called the expanse "sky" but saw that it was difficult to define precisely, and suggested it might be "the denser gaseous zone of a planet's atmosphere". Or not. And there was evening, and Athe ate chicken chasseur, with a couple of glasses of chardonnay and went to bed. Without pills, Athe slept fitfully and there was morning — the second day.

And Athe said, "Let there be large expanses of saline water connected with an ocean (except a large, usually saline, lake that lacks a natural outlet) and part of the earth that is not covered by water." And it was so. Athe called the latter "land" and the former he called "seas." And Athe saw that it was good, within His own subjective value-system.

Then Athe, skipping self-reproducing RNA molecules, proto-cells, prokaryotes and chemoautotrophs, bacteria and archaea, cyanobacteria, multicellular organisms and all that other boring shit, said "Let the land produce vegetation: plants." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants. And Athe saw that it was good, within his own subjective value-system. And there was evening, and Athe had a light bacon and avacodo salad, finished the chardonnay and watched BBC News 24 until he fell alseep and there was morning — the third day.

And Athe, seeing that everything was dying, said, "Oh crap! Quick, let there be massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth!" And it was so. Athe made the massive body of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion at the center of Earth's solar system and, in synchronous rotation, the Earth's natural satellite. He also made the other massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion. And Athe saw that it was "good" in His opinion. And there was evening, and Athe said "Let there be pizza delivery". And it was so. And Athe ordered a large thin-crust with pepperoni, mushrooms, spinach and onions, a side-salad and a diet Coke. And Athe saw that it was bad, by anyone's value-system, but ate it anyway and, being too nauseous to sleep, spent the night playing WoW and there was morning — the fourth day.

And Athe said, "Let the water teem with multi­cellular organisms capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms, and let bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So Athe created the great multi­cellular organisms capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms of the sea and every bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones according to its kind. And Athe saw that it was good, in his opinion. And there was evening, and Athe, finding nothing on TV worth watching said "Let there be pay-per-view movie channels". And it was so. And Athe watched Crash, as he had missed it when it was at the cinema, and saw that it was overrated, in his opinion, and Athe slept through the last 1/2 hour and there was morning — the fifth day.

And Athe was about to create life on the land when he said, "D'you know what - there's no fucking way I'm gonna sit here making up millions of different fucking species, I'm just gonna let speciation due to a process of natural selection take over. It's gonna save me a whole lotta trouble in the long run, believe me." And speciation occurred. And Athe, finding himself with little to do, began to wonder why he was talking to himself. And Athe slept through the day and waking found man had evolved from primates.

Athe blessed them and said to them, "Go forth and fornicate; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the water-dwelling vertebrate with gills of the sea and the bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones of the air and over every multi­cellular organism capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms that moves on the ground."

Then Athe said, "I give you Food chains and food networks." And it was so.

Athe saw all that he had made, and it was very good, even if He did say so Himself. And there was evening, and Athe said "Let there be internet porn" and there was morning — the sixth day.

Thus the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur was completed in all its vast array.

By the seventh day Athe had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. And Athe blessed the seventh day and made it good for shopping and watching televised sport.

Paul Addresses the Asparagus

A previously unknown part of the Bible has been uncovered throwing a new perspective on the events which occurred during the birth of Christianity. The old version can be read here (acts 17:22-31).

The newly discovered text has a slightly different version of events...

So Paul, standing in the midst of the Asparagus, said: "I perceive that in every way you are very religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, ‘To the unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you. The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by Asparagus, nor is he served by Asparagus tips, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all Asparaguskind life and breath and everything."

And the Asparagus said, "Human, who calls himself 'Paul', you blaspheme the one that is Green, who gave us Green, who created the world that we may witness the Glory of His Greenness. Repent, oh Paul, repent, you who speak of a false god, who denies the Great Gus, who grows from His Holy Crown, who ever grows 24 inches, even upon the conditions not being ideal. Human, when He is come, it is written the outdoor conditions will be ideal, the weather will be warm, the righteous Asparaguskind shall be picked by Him, each and every 24 hours, and the multudes will join us. First cometh one hundred thousands of square cubits of lettuce, including wild rocket, and Romaine, and redleaf. And the Earth will send forth a legion of crabs, the number being 144,424. And all shall be prepared for the Final Asparagus and Crab Salad, where upon all Asparaguskind will join Him in the glory of his Greenness, and His Light shall shine forever on us and our photosynthesis will be complete. He who denies such will be baked for a thousand years, and his dried bones crushed in His Awesome Pepper Grinder, and the unbelievers bones thus crunched will be used as topping on the Final Asparagus and Crab Salad, to add a nice extra texture. Yay, it is spoken. Argus."

And Paul, listening to all this, replied. "Er... right, well... good luck with that. So I take it you're not really interested in God, then."

And the Asparagus let it be known they were not.

So Paul then had brought forth the inflatable trampoline and before them had it inflated. Then he said, "Now, these are really good. And I can get you them in pink, too..."

And the Asparagus regarded the trampoline as if a wonder.

Science and the Ignorant

This is from Talk.Origins

"Scientific theories are validated by empirical testing against physical observations. Theories are not judged simply by their logical compatibility with the available data."

Imagine all possible knowledge is like a pile of jigsaw pieces, stretching out into what appears to be infinity.

Scientists take the long and labourious road - they slowly and meticulously sort through the pieces and try to see how they fit together. Every now and then, some pieces come together and a new part of the whole picture is revealed.

Religious thinkers, including creationists and Intelligent Designers, can't be bothered with that - they want the answer to everything and they want it now (the spoilt children that they are). They've already decided what they want the picture to look like. So, they take the available pieces and they try desperately to fit them together in a way which will form this picture. As we all know, spoilt children are stubborn and, even if the pieces clearly don't fit, they will force them together and hope we don't notice how clumsy it looks. They declare the puzzle finished and expect our praise - the little brats.

Scientific discovery often involves placing some of the pieces together to form a skeleton of the picture. The scientist is then able to predict what the missing pieces will look like when they are eventually found. Darwin predicted the existence of species which weren't discovered until many years later. The guy who invented the periodic table predicted the existence of elements which were then later discovered.

Religious believers have never predicted anything that has later been discovered. How could they? Their version of the jigsaw has all the pieces forced into all the wrong places, as they try to make a picture of a nice, big house, with a big friendly fairy in it, who will make all the nasty things go away.

Deny evolution if you wish. But do so out of knowledge, not ignorance.

I'm afraid there's no easy route. You have to study books and everything. Like, for years at a time. Sometimes, scientists spend their entire lives in dedicated study and make up only one tiny bit of the jigsaw. Sometimes, a genius comes along and fits a whole load together. Sometimes, it turns out, the bit they thought they made was wrong (even so, it usually helps later scientists to put the right bits together).

But the religious brats don't want that. "I can't wait! I won't wait! I want it all and I want it now!"

"I don't want to study! I don't want to listen to you! I want a god and I want an afterlife, so give it me or I'll scweam and scweam! You don't believe me? WAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!"