Jesus Christ: The Resurrection Years

We pick up the action after Jesus has returned from the dead, revealed himself to Simon and Thomas and is looking to make up for lost time...

INT. "GALILEE A-GO-GO" NIGHT CLUB, NAZARETH AD34 - NIGHT

Simon and Jesus hang out at the bar. The place is packed with nightlife revellers. The BAND hammer away on the chordophones and aerophones, creating a seductive beat.

Simon is looking past Jesus at an attractive young GIRL...

SIMON: She's looking at you...

Jesus about to turn...

SIMON: ...don't look, don't look! Wait!

Jesus remains looking at Simon, who takes furtive glances over Jesus shoulder.

SIMON: Okay, now look. Quick!

Jesus turns to look at the Girl. He quickly turns back before she turns to look at him again.

SIMON: Cool, huh? You dig?
JESUS: Yeah, I dig.
SIMON: She's giving you the look, buddy. The honey is waiting, go lick it up.
JESUS: What? What do I do? What do I say?
SIMON: Come on - "Son of God", remember? Go.

Jesus can't argue with that. Moves off to approach the girl. Halfway, he stops, turns and gives Simon a panicked look. Simon waves him forward.

Jesus approaches the girl, fiddling nervously with his robe.

JESUS: Er.. hi... er...

The girl smiles, waiting.

JESUS: Hey I was just er...
GIRL: You got something to say to me?
JESUS: Yes, I er...
GIRL: Say it. I won't bite.

Jesus frozen. Panic sets in. Then...

JESUS: Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.

Simon watches as - The girl looks at Jesus as if he's crazy. Jesus turns and hurries back to Simon, humiliated.

SIMON: What happened?
JESUS: Nothing.
SIMON: What do you mean, "nothing"? What did she say?
JESUS: Nothing. She's just, y'know...

Simon frowns.

SIMON: What did you say?
JESUS: Just the usual line.
SIMON: (smells a rat) What?
JESUS: (Mumbling) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
SIMON: Huh?
JESUS: (resigned) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
SIMON: "I will make you fishers of men"? What're you offering to be her pimp, or something?
JESUS: I know, I know. It just came out, okay?
SIMON: (Glancing at the girl) Look, she's there for the taking, dude. My 97 year old rabbi could pull her. Get to work.

Jesus takes a deep breath. Moves back to the girl.

JESUS: Hello.
GIRL: Why did you run off?
JESUS: Why did I run off?
GIRL: Yeah.
JESUS: Well I... I just had to check something with my disciple.
GIRL: Disciple? What's that?
JESUS: Oh, sort of like a friend... thing...
GIRL: Friend thing?

The girl waits in uncomfortable silence. Jesus transfixed. Like a rabbit trapped in headlights. Sweat forming on his brow...

JESUS: (to himself) My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
GIRL: What?
JESUS: (blurting) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
GIRL: Huh?
JESUS: I er... I... Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

The girl looks at Jesus as if he's insane.

GIRL: Yeah, it's late isn't it? Gotta dash. "Nice" meeting you.

The girl heads for the exit. Jesus follows, desperate...

JESUS: Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?...

The girl makes a rapid exit.

Simon leans on the bar, supping his pint. Jesus approaches. Stands silently beside him.

SIMON: Well?
JESUS: You know what?
SIMON: What?
JESUS: Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
SIMON: Fair enough. Let's be honest, you're not really cut out for the for the pick-up game, are you?
JESUS: Guess not.

They sup their pints quietly.

Look Into My Crystal Ball...

Scientific Predictions

Darwin predicted the existence of a rodent 100 years before its discovery.

"One flower that captivated Darwin was the Madagascar Orchid, with it's eleven inch-long receptacle. He predicted that somewhere in Magagascar, a place he never visited, must live a moth with a proboscis eleven inches long, adapted to harvest the orchid's nectar. Forty years later, two entomologists revealed the discovery of a Madagascan sphinx moth, confirming Darwin's forecast."

Mendeleyev published his periodic table & law in 1869 and forecast the properties of missing elements, and chemists began to appreciate it when the discovery of elements predicted by the table took place.

The existence of Neptune was predicted through mathematical modelling based on Sir Isaac Newton's Law of gravity.

Radio waves were predicted by James Clerk Maxwell.


Religious Predictions

In 1950, the famous Baptist evangelist, Billy Graham told a group in Los Angeles: "Two years and its all going to be over."

Christopher Love predicted that in 1763 there would occur a great earthquake all over the world.

Edwin Sandys, Archbishop of York and Primate of England, said, 'Now, as we know not the day and time, so let us be assured that this coming of the Lord is near. He is not slack, as we do count slackness. That it is at hand, it may be probably gathered out of the Scriptures in divers places. The signs mentioned by Christ in the Gospel which should be the foreshewers of this terrible day, are almost all fulfilled." That was 400 years ago.

Pastor Chuck Smith published a book last century entitled End Times. In this book he wrote: "As we look at the world scene today, it would appear that the coming of the Lord is very, very, close. I believe that the generation of 1948 is the last generation. Since a generation of judgment is forty years and the tribulation lasts seven years, I believe the Lord could come back for his church anytime before the tribulation starts, which would mean anytime before 1981."

Founder of the Mormon church, Joseph Smith, predicted the world would see its end by 1891.

Russian Mennonite leader Claas Epp, Jr. predicted that Christ would return on March 8, 1889.

Scottish cleric, Edward Irving, founder of the Catholic Apostolic Church, predicted in 1828, "...we are already entered upon the last days, and the ordinary life of a man will carry many of us to the end of them."

William Miller used the Book of Daniel to predict the Second Coming, and said it would be between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844.

Nelson H. Barbour predicted believers would go to Heaven during April 1878.

Jehovas Witnesses refered to World War 1 as Armageddon... until World War 2.

Herbert W. Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, predicted a drought in 1975 would cause the population of America to fall by one-third.

Christian pastor, faith healer, and televangelist, Benny Hinn, predicted in 1989: A short man will appear within a "few" years who will rule the world as the Antichrist; The East Coast of America would be badly damaged by earthquakes in the next ten years. Fidel Castro would die "within ten years"; America's first female President will be appointed "in the next few years" and would end up destroying the nation; God would destroy America's Homosexual community in 1995...


Creationist Predictions

Erm, what? What do you mean "predictions"? I'm sorry, I don't have time, right now. I have this dot-to-dot drawing to finish before nurse brings me my jelly and icecream.


Technorati tags: balls religious bullshit creationist frauds

The Two Wankers

The Two Wankers sat talking one day.

Wanker 1: Hey, Wanker number 2, what's up?
Wanker 2: I was just sitting here with my very very tiny brain, trying to comprehend a scientific idea.
Wanker 1: Have you comprehended it?
Wanker 2: Nope, but it doesn't matter.
Wanker 1: Why is that, my self-masturbatory friend?
Wanker 2: I have realized that, even though we have the intelligence of a couple of carrots with learning difficulties, if we speak to very very stupid people in a patronizing way, they will suck up any shit we care to drop on them.
Wanker 1: Good news, jizz man, as I just happen to have had the most ridiculously moronic idea I want to peddle as science.
Wanker 2: What's that, oh bishop beating dude?
Wanker 1: Well, I was just giving myself a good pre-lunch handjob...
Wanker 2: Shit. Is it that time already?
Wanker 1: ...and I thought, "You know, a building can't build itself, it needs a builder."
Wanker 2: Uh hu.
Wanker 1: "And a painting can't paint itself, it needs a painter." You see where I'm going?
Wanker 2: Uh... like a cake can't bake itself it needs a baker?
Wanker 1: Exactly. And the Universe can't make itself, it needs a maker.
Wanker 2: And, like, a wanker can't wank himself he needs a... oh, uh... wait...
Wanker 1: Are you listening?
Wanker 2: Sure am.
Wanker 1: What do you think?
Wanker 2: I think that is such a cool idea. There are millions of uneducated dumb fucks in this world who will buy that reasoning.
Wanker 1: That's what I thought. Let's go make a video.


Technorati tags: wankers

News Round-Up

Having dragged my fatted carcass back from a week of this, I shall do a quick summary of the last 7 days events.

Sir Jonathan Sacks announced a new plan to end the long wait for the real messiah to turn up: A new reality show to be co-produced with ITV where hopeful applicants will be able to show off their messiah-like talents before a TV audience. In "Moshiach Idol" the audience will vote for their favourite messiah. Over the following weeks, those failing to live up to audience expectations will be given the boot and, finally, the remaining candidate with the most votes will be declared the true "Moshiach".

"If you think you've got what it takes to perfect the entire world to serve God together, as it is written, then go for it - this competition is open to all." Said Sir Jonathan.


Scientists across the world were embarrassed to discover they have all been the victims of a huge godly prank, as Jesus revealed scientific fact is, in fact, fictional.

"Dad thought it would be really funny to fool all you guys into thinking you could do all this stuff for yourself, like curing people and flying." Jesus revealed to a group of stunned scientists at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, having popped up from behind a large near-infrared laser, with a cheeky grin. "The look on your faces when you thought you were saving lives with bread mold - we were all in stitches."

"The flying thing is the funniest, though," He continued, fighting to control a chuckle, "Air flowing over wings creates differences in air pressure which creates lift... haha... I'm afraid you've been duped - it's only the power of God's precious and all-pervading love for mankind which keeps you aloft."

"You people will believe anything! Even a four and half billion year old planet! Four and half billions years! Haha, suckers! Sorry, I'm afraid it's just your plain old six thousand years..."

The news inspired Christian leaders to join in a collective sigh of relief, and one or two even struggled to hide a slight look of smugness. "Well, He may have fooled many. Of course, I always knew, deep in my heart, the Bible was right." said the Rev. Eugene A. Mendilscot of the Methodist Episcopal Church in Oxford Falls. "Yes, four and half billion years does sound a abit silly, when you think about it."

However, many scientists were still determined to instist their life's work had not been a total waste of time. "This is outrageous! This is basphemy! To suggest that science is a big joke is a joke in itself. The advancements in science, which have improved the lot of humanity considerably in the last few hundred years, have come about through the adherance to rigorous scientific methods." Insisted Nick Polgard, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Is He saying the pages and pages of evidence for superconductivity, for example, are fake?"

"Yep." grinned the Lord Our Saviour, "Superconductivity is merely the power of God. The Kingdom of Heaven inside you and outside you. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift a phenomenon occurring in certain materials at low temperatures, characterized by the complete absence of electrical resistance and the exclusion of the interior magnetic field, and you will find me."


Meanwhile, at this years God Awards, everyone was shocked when God, nominated in infinite categories, failed to win a single award.