Easter Sinday

Simon and Thomas sit in a pub supping some beers, a bit gloomy.

Thomas: So, what you gonna do now?
Simon: Dunno. I'm feeling kinda drained.
Thomas: Yeah, you been through it.
Simon: The worst bit was the mocking. Fucking retards. No fucking respect.

Thomas stares into his pint silently. Then...

Thomas: They had a point, though. I mean, if he was this god... son of god... whatever...

Simon gives him a sharp look.

Thomas: Okay, okay...

Simon and Thomas gaze into their beers in silence. We hear a voice...

Voice: Hey guys, why the glum faces?

Simon and Thomas look up to see the voice belongs to Jesus, standing behind them. They are dumbstruck.

Jesus: (indicating the beers) What can I get you?
Simon: What the fuck?!
Jesus: A pint of 'What The Fuck'. Man, they come up with some crazy names for beer these days.
Thomas: Jesus, what the fuck, man?!
Jesus: (to the Barman) Two pints of 'What The Fuck'... make it three.
Simon: Stop fucking with us, you son of a bitch.
Jesus: (looking innocent) What?
Thomas: Er, like, you're supposed to be dead. Crucified and all that shit.
Jesus: Yeah, cool, huh? I am the bonafide, mother-fucking, Son of God, you suckers! Do I rock or do I rock?
Simon: Woah, you so rock, man! You so rock!

Jesus and Simon slap hands and bump butts three times in well-rehearsed celebration. Jesus turns to slap hands with Thomas, but he isn't playing.

Thomas: Wait a minute. Are you seriously suggesting you used godly powers to come back from the dead?
Jesus: Fuck yeah.
Thomas: Come on, that's bullshit.
Jesus: Yeah? Well check this out...

Jesus pulls back his robe to reveal blood seeping from a deep spear-wound in his chest.

Thomas: Fuck me.
Jesus: You with me, now, Mr there's-got-to-be-a-rational-explanation Thomas?
Thomas: Maybe, but that is kinda sick, though. Do you have to do that?
Jesus: I like it.
Thomas: Yeah, mate, but you're dripping. And they just put new straw down. Why don't you just heal that up?
Jesus: Well, it all adds to the effect, you know what I'm saying?
Thomas: Whatever.
Simon: Well, sit down. The beers are on me, no argument.
Jesus: (sitting down) I thought you'd never ask. I'm fucking parched, I can tell you.
Simon: So, what now, dude? I guess it's back to spreading the word. Yeah, we still got that sermon booked for May...
Jesus: Fuck that shit. Listen, I'm only around for another forty days or so, let's make the most of it.
Simon: Er... what?
Jesus: Yeah, I got to thinking while I was hanging about, waiting to make my re-appearance: life is for living, you know. I've been putting all my time into the messiah gig, there's a whole lotta stuff I been missing out on, you know what I'm saying?
Simon: Is this a parable?
Jesus: Yeah, it's a parable where the Son of God finally gets to dip his wick.

Simon and Thomas are speechless. Jesus scans the pub - no chicks.

Jesus: This place is dead, man, lets go find some action.
Simon: But, Jesus...
Jesus: What?
Simon: Well... (whispering) you can't.
Jesus: Buddy, the Son of God wants him some pussy, you gotta problem with that?

Simon thinks.

Jesus: Remember when I fixed your little willy problem?
Simon: (glancing around the bar) Okay, okay... shhh.
Jesus: I can reverse that, you know.
Simon: Whatta we hanging around here for? Those babes aren't gonna screw themselves, you know.
Jesus: Not unless they let me watch, buddy, not unless they let me watch...

Jesus stands and exits.

Thomas: Dude, I'm gonna bail - I gotta get up early and do some doubting.
Simon: Cool... listen, keep this to yourself, won't you?
Thomas: Yeah, no worries.

Simon about to exit...

Thomas: Oh, Simon... Happy Easter. I just wanted to be the first one to say it.
Simon: Oh, right. Cheers.

Simon exits. Thomas finishes his pint.

Watch This

Someone talking sense in this crazy world.

Which Faith?

Is your current faith starting to prove unreliable. Thinking of upgrading or moving to a new provider?

For those of you too lazy to read through all those tomes of religious mumbo jumbo on offer, this provides you with a nice and easy comparison for you to help decide which major faith you should follow. It's a bit like choosing a new pc or fitted kitchen, just scroll down the list and weigh up which religion seems to suit your needs the most.

If you're looking for sex with virgins during your eternal afterlife, Islam might be the one for you (although it doesn't specify if this also applies to women, gays and/or lesbians - you might need some further research). On the other hand, if you want to enjoy the "radiance of the divine" for evermore, Judaism is for you. What do Christians get for a life devoted to service, worship and praise? Erm, well, only a load more service, worship and praise, it seems.

Islam seems to be the winner here, and you'll be glad to know your virgins won't have been handled by "man or djinn". But if you're looking for "assurance of salvation" only Judaism and Christianity can guarantee it (with conditions). Whereas Islam is a bit vague.

If you want your enemies to be sent to Purgatory, choose Islam or certain brands of Christianity. If you're a bit worried about your own standing regarding damnation, choose Purgatory-free Judaism.

If you're a "the cup is half full" type, Islam's belief that man is basically good might suit your generally upbeat nature. If you're a "the cup is half empty" pessimistic type, you might find Christianity's "men are inherently wicked" more in line with your overall outlook. If you can't decide, don't worry, Judaism can't either.

For being a good boy or girl, Islam offers a wopping 7 levels of reward! This is a clear winner over the others, with Judaism offering only a paltry 3 levels, and Christianty not offering any levels at all (they opperate on their own system of "degrees" which I suspect is designed to camouflage a lack of a properly defined reward).

If you fancy Isreal as a future holiday destination, however, Islam is right out.

Saint Ronald

McDonalds announced recently they are to officially become a religion, beginning next month.

"Today, people want more than a choice of high-quality products at a good value. They also want to know the steps businesses take to operate in an ethical way and contribute to values that match their own. Many times, companies that lose the trust of their customers lose those customers’ business forever. Because the truth is, trust is difficult to earn and easy to lose."

Say Jim Skinner (Vice Chairman) and Charlie Bell (President and CEO), in their introduction to the McDonald's Corporate Responsibility Report.

"The switch to a faith-based organisation is a logical step to enable us to inspire greater trust in our products. The creative use of facts a religious organisation can adopt to sell their products is simply too much to resist..."

They go on to say...

"Extensive market research has found that people show greater customer loyalty towards a product which offers them an afterlife. Accordingly, McDonalds will now offer The Big Hereafter Points (BHPs) with every purchase. The more burgers you eat, the more likely you are to enjoy life (after death). What is heaven like, McDonald's style? Well, imagine a 24 hour McDonalds restaurant, but with cleaner washrooms. Eat as much as you like - no vomiting, no self-loathing!"

And it seems they intend to aggressively reverse the negative impact of years of bad press from health concerns.

"For decades, scientists have fed us theories of how a McDonalds burger is bad for you, unchallenged. Yet, while McDonalds have increased their sales in the US from 1000s of burgers a year in the 1960s to the billions we sell now, life expectancy in this country has increased from an average age of just 64 to a 77. Logically, therefore, it would actually seem the increase in burger consumption has had a beneficial effect on health in this country. We're not saying we can guarantee 100% that eating 3 Big Macs a day will almost certainly make you live longer, we just think children should be aware of the good health our fast food may bring them, depending on which theory you chose to believe.

"Besides, even if the scientists do have something more than just the teeniest shred of evidence, with your own rapidly delivered McDonalds' Eternal Bliss waiting for you, you probably won't want to hang about on this slow old planet, anyway.

Enjoy your meal."