Lord, Saviour... Transvestite?

The big news for JC followers, this week, has been the revelation that their Lord & Saviour may have been a cross-dresser. Recent gamma-spectromic analysis of the Shroud of Turin, an old linen cloth bearing the image of Jesus, has revealed He appears to have been physically traumatized in a manner exactly consistent with wearing this.

This has sent huge shockwaves through the cyberweb. Many Christian bloggers have been quick to dismiss the new findings. Marvin insists on his blog "Gamma-spectromic analysis is a whole new science which is as yet to be proven to be 100% reliable. After the infamous "double-penis" fiasco during the investigation into [Abraham] Lincoln's boxers, I think we need to maintain a healthy skepticism. Besides, the style of dress they are matching the trauma marks to didn't become popular amongst trannies until the spring of 2004, a good 1970-odd years after Jesus was crucified!"

Other responses have been less reasoned. "For centuries, scientists have been meddling with things that don't concern them. The Shroud of Turin is virtually God's T-shirt. If you're going to let scientists touch it you might as well let Satan wipe his ass on it!" says the Reverend Dirk Mercy.

Some more trivial. "Bummer. That's really nuked it's ebay auction value..." lamented Jesus Boots on his blog.

The whole experiment seems to have sparked a controversy at the heart of the University for Scientific Investigation into Items of Spurious Religious Identity, forcing the team working on this project to defend their claims in an official announcement, published on their website yesterday.

"Our investigation into the alleged burial garment of Jesus, known as the Shroud of Turin, has been thorough and meticulous. Our team of experts has been rigorous in it's investigations, comprising many many hours of backbreaking gamma-spectromic analysis and dress-structure to torso-scar correlation. Myself, Professor Hable-York, Dr Menshmit and Dr Jershishewits had to wear a total of 1239 dresses, over a period of 22 months, before we found the dress which created physical traumas exactly matching those found on the body of the figure in the shroud [Jesus]." says Professor Gernsnuube. "The matching dress was worn by Dr Menshmit for a total of 18 days and 12 hours."

Don't be surprised if this one rumbles on...

I Don't Love You, I Underhate You

Vincent van Gogh said: "...I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things." Then he shot himself in the chest. He didn't think too much of it, so he went home to bed. As his blood began to seep through the floor onto the drinking customers below, the inn keeper quickly summoned a physician, who pronouced to the shocked 19th century genius, "You've fatally shot yourself dead, mate."

Vincent was a believer, an enthusiastic preacher and a dab-hand with a hog's bristle. He was also a complete and utter looooooney.

Americans, as a whole, love lots of things. They spend many hours of the day communicating their love for each other. "I love you, bud." "Love you back." "Man, I really love your back." "I love God." "Jesus loves you." "I'm so much in love with you, my hamster turned the colour of love." "I'd be so depressed if it weren't for all this love I have from my loving buddies." "Hey guys, let's all love each other." "Yeeeaaahhhh.... mmmmmm......"

....then they go unpack the napalm.

The word "love" is so easy to bandy around without it actually meaning much. It's such a generalization. "I love you and I will kill myself, my family, my close friends and some of my pets unless you agree to spend the rest of eternity surgically attached to my entire being, body and soul." is quite different to "I love real ale."

My girlfriend tells me the Greeks have 254 different words for the concept of love. Now there's a culture that doesn't leave anything to misinterpretation.

"Katalaveno" translates literally into English as "I love my neighbour's goat, in a non-physical way, every other tuesday afternoon" and "Yermanika" translates as "Yes, I still love you, but I think we should try seeing other people for a while. p.s. I like anal sex with some rare species of gnu."

So next time you feel like telling that special someone "I love you", try to be a bit more specific.

Pro-Sanity

I'm starting a new movement called Pro-Sanity. Not profanity, Pro-Sanity. It's kinda like the pro-choice/pro-life thing, only it's instant fucking karma for the self-righteous.

"You made the choice to have a child when you had sex." say the pro-lifers. Yeah, and you chose to be a nut when you decided to talk to your imaginary friend, so off you go to the funny farm, then.

Do I get to have second chance? Nope. Do I get to change my mind when I realise I made a mistake? No fucking way. Welcome to One-mistake-buys-you-a-life-of-hell World. Well, you created it, baby.

What do you mean "it's not insane to believe in God"? Are you crazy?!

Look - people need leaders. They don't need confusion and uncertainty. When we ask, "What shall we have for dinner?" we don't want to hear "Erm... don't really mind." We want an unambiguous answer. We hate making decisions, don't we. Even "Liquidized chicken drumsticks with a cat's penis sauce" is better than "I don't know, what do you want?"

Ok, so it's established we need leaders, no matter what bullshit they tell us to do. Better to be told to rinse your eyeballs in concentrated sulphuric acid than to be left to drift aimlessly through life. Problem is, we hate being told what to do by other people. So... what we need is something, who isn't a person, to tell us what to do. Unfortunately, that entity doesn't exist.

What do humans do when they need something that doesn't exist?

They invent it.

When we need to get from A to B, we invent cars; when we need to cure a sick person, we invent medicine; when we need a supreme authority figure, we invent one.

This is not rocket science. There's nothing there, you nuts, look...

See? Nothing. You're all crazy.

I don't mind you being crazy. It's just when you inflict your crazyness on others I get annoyed.

There are people out there perfectly capable of deciding whether they want to have an abortion or not. Then you come along and stick your big, fat, self-righteous noses in.

It's like when your neighbours come round and start telling you what kind of fence you have to have round your front garden. Get the fuck off my lawn and sort your own garden out - haven't you got anything better to do?!

So, I'm starting my Pro-Sanity campaign. I'll need a website with some pictures under a heading, like...

WHAT DO CHRISTIANS LOOK LIKE?

These images are shocking.

Then you click and you get something like this...

What is it with Christians and "pro-life" anyway, their whole thing is a big, fucking death-worship cult, anyway. Everyone one of them desperate to get themselves nailed to a bit of 2x4 as soon as they get the chance. Lunatics.

"Hey, I don't want to be locked up in this padded cell for the rest of my life!"

Sorry. You took that Alpha course in full knowledge of the consequences.

WIN! WIN! WIN!

Life, the Universe and Everything is proud to announce it is to hold a competition for all you smart blog readers out there. The prize? £1 MILLION!

Yes, all you have to do is read the following statement and prove it incorrect and I will cough up a million!

Mathematically, God is as likely to exist as goblins and faries.

If you can prove to me that God is more likely to exist than goblins or faires, you win! Yes, it's as simple as that!

You don't even have to be the first. Nope - I'll pay out to ALL! Jesus only managed a few fish and some bread. I'm going to deal out a million big ones to each and every one of you!

Considering there's over 2 billion Christians on this planet, and most won't even entertain the idea their God is as likely as creatures from kids fairytales, this should be the easiest million you've ever made!

This competion starts right now so get thinking!

Rules
1. No purchase is required to take part in this competion.
2. Whether I agree with a logical conclusion which may be deemed to prove me incorrect is entirely arbitrary and judgement lies solely in my mysterious whim.
3. Life, the Universe & Everything reserves the right to disqualify participants in the contest at any time should their actions or general behavior, in the sole discretion of Life, the Universe & Everything, be determined to violate the contest rules or impede or obstruct the contest in any way.
4. It is the responsibility of the entrant to supply us with correct contact details. In the event that we are too incompitent to contact the winner using the details supplied, we reserve the right to forget the whole idea.
5. Entries must be submitted before the end of Eternity or before the Earth is sucked, spiralling, into the dying Sun, as it turns into a red giant and engulfs half the solar system, whichever is sooner.

Forgive Me If I Appear Paranoid...

There's this rumour thing going round. They're saying I've been up to no good. And it's all because of this bloke who's been bad-mouthing me in his book. I wouldn't mind, but I've never even met the guy.

See, I heard it from a friend this week. "He says you've been acting immorally" he said. I said "What?! Are you sure?!" He said, "Oh yeah, it's all there, in black and white. Go check for yourself."

So I did. And he was right. The book says I've 'sinned'. How does this bloke have the audacity, I ask you?! How does he have the cheek?! I was so angry, I nearly squashed my Morrisons chicken, bacon and avacado sarny, I was holding at the time.

He doesn't go into detail or anything, which shows you what a pack of lies it all is.

I hope.

So I had to sit and take stock: Some geezer I don't know from Adam is slandering me in his book. And now he's gone and sold five billion copies of the bloody thing! The entire world, it seems, is now under the impression I've been very very naughty. What will the neighbours think?

Y'know, I'm sure people are giving me funny looks. Yes, now I think about it, this explains a lot.

That's why the guy at the corner shop dumped my change down on the counter without so much as a 'thank you'. That why that young woman sitting next to me on the bus got up and moved to another seat as soon as one became available. That's why my girlfiend won't have sex with me anymore - she says it's because I'm an unromantic, flabby, boring old sod with a small penis, but now I know the truth... They've all been reading this damn book!

See, that's the thing. Just saying I've 'sinned' leaves everything to their imagination, doesn't it? God knows what they think I've been up to.

What am I to do? I could take him to court, but that's just going to make matters worse - even more people would want to read his stupid book to find out what he said about me. And what chance have I got of getting an unbiased jury? "Look at the work I've done for charity." He'll say. The jury will look at me and, even though there's no evidence I've misbehaved, "There's no smoke without fire..." they'll be thinking, with their suspicious minds.

Besides, I'm unlikely to receive any damages awarded - the author is bound to plead poverty.

No, I think the best thing is to keep my head down and wait for this whole episode to blow over. I'm sure this book is just a passing fad. They'll soon get bored. You'd think they'd be more concerned about global warming than whether little old me has sinned or not.

Oh, I'd better warn you - the book says you've been naughty, too. So watch out.