Wishful Thinking

Being a screenwriter, like diety worship, is mostly an exercise in wishful thinking. On Talent Circle today, one advertiser seems to have hit a peak:

A great small - medium budget feature film script is looking for the production crew to bring it to life. The film is a romantic comedy set in the present day around a group of late teens - early twenty year olds with the working title - 'larger than life'.

The current roles available are:

Director
Producer
Director of Photography
Production Manager
Art Director
2nd Assistant Director
Camera Assistant
Gaffer
Grip
Make up artist
Costumer Designer
Sound recordist
Boom operator

Pre-production is set for may and june and shooting in july and august...

Well, at least the casting is sorted out. If you want to apply for any of these positions, you can find the ad here.

The Future is Bright

I finally had a reply from the Right Honourable Lord Polkinghorne himself, to my email questioning the idea of "militant atheism".

"Of course there are ethical atheists. I certainly respect them and wish to work with them where it's appropriate. However false ideologies do not only correspond to erroneous beliefs. They can also lead to terrible actions. The Church has not been free from this kind of error (crusades, inquisition), but the twentieth century atheist regimes are truly frightful examples. I would not express myself quite as uninhibitedly as Nicholas does, but the point remains one that has to be taken into honest consideration."

I've taken it into consideration and my considered opinion is: the whole idea is a frightful load of bollocks (US: "testicles"). Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to work with religious types. I also reserve the right to slap them round the back of the head with a wet flannel where it's appropriate.

What does he mean by "error"? A typo on a holy manuscript, perhaps. Or a slight misunderstanding, maybe. The idea the crusades and the inquisition were an "error" only conjures up a scene staring Eric Idle and Michael Palin. "No, I said 'burn their steaks', not 'burn them at the stake'..." ... "Oops."

People don't group together to actively not believe in something. In my experience, atheists are more likely than not to be very suspicious of any signs of a herd mentallity going on. But it seems atheist are getting desperate. The Brights are encouraging atheists and agnostics to "... join with us in this extraordinary effort to change the thinking of society—the Brights Movement." while being quick to reassure us that ... "We so not think alike on many action issues, and beyond the other principles below, it is not the movement’s desire to press for conformity."

I think the "so" is a typo, and not an attempt by The Brights to appeal to American teens.

Belief

While my other-half has been in Iceland, I have occasionally texted her with bits of domestic news. Last week I told her our cat had caught his first mouse. This week, I told her, he caught a hamster. She replied that he was very naughty and asked if the hamster was still alive.

I'm afraid the hamster is not alive. But that's because it doesn't exist. Still, the idea the large, white, feline monster, who considers himself the most important member of the family (and who dare argue), caught someone's pet rodent is fairly plausable. And see how the first bit of news prepares the way for the second? If I'd just told her he'd caught a hamster straight out, the leap of faith would probably have been too much.

If you look closer at my lie, it does conjure up the imagine of him dressed like a... well, a cat burgular (skin-tight lycra body suit, forehead-light, crossbow-fired grappling hook), as he scales our neighbour's back wall, slips in through the window, sidles up to the hamster's cage, pulls out his silicon-alloy metal cutters, breaks into the cage and muffles the hamster's screams with a wad of chloroform-soaked cloth...

This is a screenwriter's trick. It's called the "set up". It's how we get audiences to accept the outlandish events which make up our contrived dramas: Start in what the audience accepts as recognisable reality, then take them step by step into something beyond...

The spread of theological belief works in the same way. It's always good for a blog post to have some practical use, so I'm going to show you how to gain power over half the planet by setting up your own religion, in 4... yes, only FOUR simple steps!

Step 1: convince people God exists. This is split up into: a) tell them if they don't worship him he will be displeased and something terrible will happen and b) wait for something terrible to happen. This is your first set-up and pay-off. For an example, I'll use a drought, followed by massive crop failure, followed by general starvation. But it could be any major civil disaster, like a flood or plague. Once the inevitable disaster strikes, simply give your people a knowing and smugish look. Don't rub it in too much. Fake some sympathy.

Step 2: Sit back and watch as terrified (and extrememely hungry) peasants fall to their knees and beg your invented God for salvation. Odds are, it will rain next year and the crops will grow, seeming to prove you right. If crops continue to fail, you can insist people aren't worshiping hard enough. Throw them a few "sinners" to take their anger out on. Eventually, the crops will grow (If they don't, don't worry, you're all going to be dead anyway). Once the crops are growing again, let the God idea settle in.

Step 3: Other smart-arses have started to jump on the bandwagon and now you have competition. Added to that, some people are starting to say it's all a load of old tosh. You need something to kick your religion into second gear. Well, a prophecy is always popular. Tell them God will come to earth. "Oh," I hear you cry, "People are bored with us threatening them with that. At least with failing crops we had something to show them." That's why you tell them God will appear in human form. Genius, isn't it? This is your second set-up.

Step 4: Your flock have been content with the knowledge that "one day" God will appear before them (basically, to prove he exists, but don't be too on-the-nose about it). Unfortunately, the Roman Empire is doing annoyingly well and they use the old multiple-god system. Your flock are beginning to defect. This is where your second set-up pays off. It's time to play your Tump Card - this is the big one. It's time for "God" to come to Earth in human form. Pick someone suitably charismatic. Preferably a bit nutty, too, as this will give him a sense of otherworldliness. (Tip: Don't tell him about the self-sacrificing bit until he's so wrapped up in the messiah thing, it's too late to chicken out!)

I think you can work out the rest from here. But I suspect you'll have the greatest empire the world has ever known in the palm of your hand. In fact, I guarantee it.