INT. BOARDROOM - NIGHT

Jewish religious leaders are gathered around a table.

"Good evening, gentlemen. Today, we'll be looking at ways to improve accessibility."

"What do you mean, accessibility?"

"Well, we seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of recruiting. Does everyone have the survey results? Good... As you can see, the biggest single put-off expressed by people as being almost certain to prevent them signing up - the 10 Commandments."

"We're screwed then."

"Yeah, the 10 Cs are central. You can't fuck with the 10 Cs."

"Well, wait a minute. Most of those... precisely 87%... didn't have a problem with the big commandments - like murder and theft - it was the minor commandments..."

"Hey, hold up - I don't remember "minor" commandments in Sabbath school."

"Oh come on - we all know coveting things is not so bad as theft and murder."

"Do we? God never said shit about minor or major Commandments. He gave us 10 Commandments of equal importance, as far as I'm concerned."

"Don't you think he might be regretting that a bit now? I mean, we gotta sell this to your ordinary Joe. We gotta go out into the streets and tell your ordinary Joe that fancying his neighbour's ass, or even just wanting a new bucket for his own ass, is gonna lose him his place in the hereafter... Come on, give us something to fuckin' work with, here."

"Anyone got any suggestions?"

"How about if we come up with a series of graded punishments? Y'know, like, a temporary spell in hell's fire for breaking the minor commandments and for the major ones, the old eternal doom thing?"

"Hmm, it's a bit flat. It's a bit... dull, isn't it? We need something... bigger... Something that'll really grab. Something theatrical - one image is a thousand words, remember?"

"A volcano."

"What?"

"I was just spitballing. I mean, a volcano errupting is a great image, isn't it? All that molten lava..."

"How does that help us with the 10 Commandments?"

"Dunno - I was just throwing something out there maybe someone could pick it up and run with it."

Silence.

"How about we drop the 10 Cs and have God re-do it?"

"No no no... you can't have God re-do shit."

"Particularly something as big as the 10 Cs - everyone remembers the 10 Cs. We'll be a laughing stock."

"You see, the problem is we're limiting ourselves to those inclined towards goodness. And, to be frank, I think we're being way too optimistic. What we really should be doing is appealing to those who are inherently bad but would like to feel there's some kind of hope for them."

"That's terribly cynical."

"Wait wait wait wait.... I think he could be onto something. Think about it... we don't tell people that they have to be good, just that they have to acknowledge they're bad."

"Yeah, and all they have to do is sign up to us..."

"... and keep up the payments..."

"Fucking HOLYMcCOLY!!!! That is good. That is very good. This way, the ball-busting 10 Cs will actually be working for us - no fucker is going to be able to avoid being bad and so every fucker will want to subscribe!"

Everyone slaps hands, dances round the table, whoops.

"So, how do we make that work? "

"No idea."

"Come on - think visual."

"A volcano?"

"Will you shut the fuck...!"

"OK, I'm sorry. No need to crucify me, for fucksakes. I was just thinking out loud."

"What was that?"

"I said I was just thinking out..."

"No no - the crucifying thing."

"What're you thinking?"

"Well, it's a great image. And it kinda ties in with the guilt and punishment thing."

"But the Romans invented it."

"So what?"

"Actually, if we could get the Romans into this, too... Guys, this could go international."

"Don't lose the plot, Barny."

"I got it. Ffffuck, I got it... the Romans kill God."

"What the fuck?! You're wack..."

"It's beautiful. How does it work?"

"Yeah, you shmuck, how the fuck are the Romans going to kill God? With a fucking catapult? Firing a big rock up into the sky?"

"Neil - this is a boardroom, not a sarcasm room."

"Doesn't it say somewhere that God is going to come down to earth one day?"

"And?"

"Like, as an ordinary Joe or something?"

"Uh... rings a bell. I'll need to look it up to be sure. But, go with it..."

"So God comes down as an ordinary Joe and the Romans kill him."

"For what?"

"For us."

"I don't get it."

"Listen guys, I gotta shoot. But I'm lovin' this. It's got massive potential. Get your story-gurus to play around with some ideas."

"Okay. Anyone you got in mind?"

"How about what's his name? Mark and er... Matthew. Give them a shot at it. If we're not totally cool with it, we can bring in John and Luke for some re-writes."

"What if the Romans throw him into a volcano? That would be a good image."

"Will you shut up about Goddamn volcanos?"

"I did come up with the crucifixion idea."

"Well, not really..."

We leave the Jewish religious leaders as they continue to 'debate' the finer points fo their new marketing campaign...