The Ten Commandments

Should the USA government remain secular, or is it a nation founded on The Ten Commandments?

I've heard many Americans say the laws of their country are based on these commandments and it is, therefore, right to have them posted up in various governmental institutions.

We may not all be Christian, but we generally go along with their moral code, don't we? I mean, to say otherwise would make us total scumbags, wouldn't it?

The following is the text of the commonly accepted (by Christian and Jewish authorities) commandments as found in the book of Exodus. So this is what you get if the laws of your country are founded on them:

1: God spoke all these words, saying: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, from the place of slavery.

You will be legally required to believe in God.

2: Do not have any other gods before Me. Do not represent [such] gods by any carved statue or picture of anything in the heaven above, on the earth below, or in the water below the land. Do not bow down to [such gods] or worship them. I am God your Lord, a God who demands exclusive worship. Where My enemies are concerned, I keep in mind the sin of the fathers for [their] descendants, to the third and fourth [generation]. But for those who love Me and keep My commandments, I show love for thousands [of generations].

You will legally be required to follow the Christian god and it will be a criminal offense to follow any other. Also, if you're found worshiping anything other than God - and this includes a picture or statue of him - you will be locked away.

3: Do not take the name of God your Lord in vain. God will not allow the one who takes His name in vain to go unpunished.

At my son's school, a boy was punished for saying "Oh my God". If your nation's laws prohibit this, however, expect to find yourself spending a few days in clink for this terrible crime. This law also:

• prohibits the misappropriation of religious language in order to commit a crime (isn't that basically describing Christianty?),
• to participate in occult practices (erm, Christianity?),
• or blaspheming against places or people that are holy to God (basically, whatever Christian leaders decide is blasphemous this week, you'll be locked up for it).

Man, those jails are going to be full. Better start building some more.

4: Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. You can work during the six weekdays and do all your tasks. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God your Lord. Do not do anything that constitutes work. [This includes] you, your son, your daughter, your slave, your maid, your animal, and the foreigner in your gates. It was during the six weekdays that God made the heaven, the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. God therefore blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

Seems to be a bit of confusion as to whether it's Saturday or Sunday you should not be working on. Whatever day, do anything but rest or worship God and you'll find yourself getting a visit from the law. But don't worry, when they arrive, just point out they shouldn't be working, either. I do hope there aren't any fires or medical emergencies, though, what with all the firefighters and doctors sitting at home with their feet up.

Also, if you want to start up the slave trade, again, feel free. Just so long as they don't have to sweat in your cotton fields on the Sabbath.

5: Honor your father and mother. You will then live long on the land that God your Lord is giving you.

This is going to be great. Prosecutor: "I put it to you, that you did willfully answer back to your mother upon the occasion of your being scolded for leaving dirty socks in the "Cooked Meat Only" compartment of the freezer." I reckon you should get 10-20 stretch for that.

6: Do not commit murder.

Glad God pointed that out. Otherwise we'd all be running round with axes hacking bits off people at random. OK, this law might actually be worthwile. But has anyone ever heard of a society where it is ok to kill each other? Well, the US does have the death penalty.

7: Do not commit adultery.

Stick to one partner or you'll be locked up.

8: Do not steal.

Unless it's Jerusalem and you're a medieval God-fearing knight. In fact, Christians are allowed to steal entire continents from any non-Christian indigenous tribal groups.

9: Do not testify as a false witness against your neighbor.

Don't lie (not restricted to your neighbours). There's no get-out clause for "white" lies, either. So, next time your girlfriend asks if you think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, reply "You're the best looking women I could find who also happens to find me attractive." And don't tell your workmate you can't come to her barbeque because you've got to paint the kitchen ceiling, just give her the truth - although she's quite nice, you find her company tedious in the extreme and you only talk to her at work so she'll cover for you while you take an extra hour for lunch.

If you don't, I'm calling the cops.

10: Do not be envious of your neighbor's house. Do not be envious of your neighbor's wife, his slave, his maid, his ox, his donkey, or anything else that is your neighbor's.

Whatever your sexual preferences in women or farmyard animals, your neighbours belongings are totally out of bounds.

So, not only is it illegal to pinch stuff, it's also illegal to want stuff that isn't yours. In which case, advertising is purely for the purpose of tempting people to commit a thought crime. That's the economy of the richest nation in the world fucked, then. Enjoy living in mud huts, my American friends, I'm afraid you're going to be skint. Good news for global warming, though.

Following these laws, I think you may as well make your entire country a prison, as everyone is going to be doing multiple life terms.