The Lord's Advocate

You stand accused of murder. You sit in the courtroom trying not to meet the gazes of the 12 men and women who will decide your fate. Your lawyer sits beside you, taking a last few glances at his notes. The prosecuter stands and presents his evidence. The trial is about to begin...

As the prosecutor makes his case: Many people, it seems, were present when you brutally murdered an innocent god in cold blood. You stalked up from behind, the witnesses claim, and repeatedly stabbed Him in the back until He was slain.

You sit ashen-faced as the prosecutor re-takes his seat, with a little smug look in your direction. He's confident - he's nailed his man.

Indeed, the weight of evidence appears so huge, you start to realise your conviction is virtually inevitable. As your lawyer takes his notes and steps before the court, you feel almost embarrassed for the poor man. All is surely lost.

But wait... what's this? What's he saying?

The prosecution have no idea who the actual witnesses are, he says, and the names they provide are purely speculative. And what's this he's saying: the witness statements were probably passed down by word of mouth for about 200 years before they were eventually written down. Is he sure? Can this be right?

The face of the prosecutor begins to twitch.

So, now the prosecution's "expert" historian is brought back into the witness box to be cross-examined. Your lawyer questions him and he has to confess the witness statements show all the characteristics of fanatical religious belief, and include bizarre supernatural events such as talking donkeys [Numbers 22:28-30], unicorns [Isaiah 34:7], a semi-decomposed corpse being brought back to life [John 11:14-44], and even a red dragon with seven heads and ten horns [Revelation 12:1-2].

The jury laugh. The judge silences them.

The prosecutor's face is a quivering wreck of supressed rage. His case is being mocked and there's nothing he can do about it. You're starting to feel a little better. Things are looking up.

Your lawyer asks the jury to consider this: why, if the prosecution's story that a god created the Universe is to be believed, did this supposed god create it? Was it on a whim? Was he lonely? Does he go round creating universes? Is that his job? If so, where are the other universes?

"Do you really believe any of this? Or is the prosecution's case, in fact, merely feeble speculation?" He asks. But then he answers himself...

"Actually, no, it isn't." The court gasps and a shiver runs down your spine - what? What's he saying?! Are you to be condemned after all?!

Then you spot the payful smile on your lawyer's lips, "No, there's nothing feeble about it. It is, in fact, a magnificent work of fantasy?"

The jury return the smile. Your heart stops pounding. Your lawyer concludes:

"The truth is, my client did not brutally stab the victim to death. No, because the prosecution have not a single shred of evidence the victim even existed."

A rumble spreads quickly around the court. You risk a glance back and see your friends and family - all smiles. The weight drops from your shoulders. Before you know it, the spokesman for the jury stands and presents his verdict...

"We find the defendant - Not Guilty."

A cheers goes up. You hug your lawyer. Your friends and family rush to join the embrace. Tears fall down your cheeks, but you laugh. Your joy spills out - it's over.

You are free.


"There was no real historical record." Bart Ehrman