Happy Ascension Thursday, Everyone!

Today is Ascension Thursday. From the looks of it, Jesus made something of a habit of saying goodbye. I think he was milking the attention...




INT. DISCIPLES HQ, THE HOLY LAND - DAY

Jesus and the DISCIPLES are lounging around the pad on pre-medieval bean-bags and trendy basket chairs, being generally holy.

Jesus has a furtive glance then gets up and approaches the door. Thomas looks up...

THOMAS: Where you off to?
JESUS: Me? I'm er... going round Mary's. She's er... I have to cast out a demon.
THOMAS: Again? That's the seventh time this month. You sure it's not just an allergy, or something?
JESUS: No no, definately a demon.

Thomas shrugs. Jesus exits. Thomas looks at Simon...

THOMAS: Casting out demons, my arse.


INT. MARY MAGDALENE'S HUT, MAGDALA - DAY

Jesus and Mary are in the middle of passionate love-making.

MARY: (Gasping) Bigger....! Bigger...!
JESUS: (Gasping back) What? ... Even bigger?!

Jesus closes his eyes and concentrates. Mary's eyes go wide...

Mary: Oh my God!
JESUS: Yes?
MARY: Sorry, I meant 'Oh my God' as in... OH MY FUCKING GOD!
JESUS: Is that big enough, babe?
MARY: Yes! Oh Yes! ... well... maybe just a touch more... Don't stop!

Jesus continues humping away.

MARY: Oh my God...
JESUS: Yes?
MARY: ...I don't know if I can take another 40 days of this! They said you'd 'come again'. Oh boy, did you...
JESUS: (stops) What did you say?
MARY: I said, 'Oh boy, did you'. Don't stop!
JESUS: No, about 40 days. Oh fuck...
MARY: What? What's wrong?
JESUS: I gotta go.
MARY: Not yet! I'm... I'm still 'possessed'. Look at me...

Mary mocks an exaggerated crazy face. Tongue waggling around, eyes rolling.

JESUS: No, I really have to go...

Jesus starts lifting into the air.

MARY: What? Where're you going?
JESUS: I forgot, didn't I? It's Ascension Day...

Jesus crashes through the roof leaving Mary, half-amazed, half-unsatisfied. Plaster flies everywhere as Jesus zooms into the distance...

JESUS: Sorry about the roof...!


EXT. MAGDALA - DAY

Thomas and Simon are walking along. They turn as they hear a huge CRASHING SOUND in time to see JESUS flying through Mary's roof and into the sky...

THOMAS: Jesus Christ!
SIMON: Our Lord!
THOMAS: What's he doing?
SIMON: He's ascending.
THOMAS: What's that then?
SIMON: He is ascending unto His Father, who art in Heaven.
THOMAS: Ah... Blimey, look at the size of His--
SIMON: --Lord Jesus, He is taken up! Dressed in robes of pure white...!
THOMAS: What you talking about - he's butt-naked.
SIMON: Look! Can't you see His Holy Vestments?!
THOMAS: No. And why has he got a stiffy?
SIMON: Thomas, that is not a 'stiffy' as you or I would know it. That is the Power and the Glory of the Holy Spirit, manifesting itself incarnate!
THOMAS: That's some power and some glory. Lucky bastard. Why is He being taken up, anyway?
SIMON: To sit in Heaven.
THOMAS: What, Heaven is literally up in the sky?
SIMON: Well... er... clearly...

A small CROWD of VILLAGERS has started to gather around them...

THOMAS: Which part of the sky contains Heaven, then, the atmosphere bit or the outer space bit?

Simon thinks a moment, aware of the crowd listening. Then...

SIMON: (pointing) Look, He's being taken into a cloud!
THOMAS: What?
SIMON: See?! Angels by His side!
THOMAS: Where?
SIMON: (pointing furiously) There, one on each side!
THOMAS: What, those bits of cloud?
SIMON: (to the crowd) Oh, by the Glory of the Almighty, Jesus is accepted unto Heaven! There did Angels of God stand at the gates to welcome Him, as the eyes of I, Simon, and he, Thomas, did bear witness!
THOMAS: Mine didn't.
SIMON: As the eyes of I, Simon, and later, upon reflection, so did he, (giving Thomas a meaningful look) Thomas, also agree to seeing them.
THOMAS: So, Heaven is in a cloud, then?
SIMON: What?
THOMAS: A cloud. A visible mass of condensed droplets or ice crystals suspended in the atmosphere - that's where Heaven is, is it?
SIMON: Heaven is not of this earth, Thomas. It is not of 'condensed droplets' or 'ice crystals'.
THOMAS: So, why does He have to go up, then?
SIMON: Because... well, because...

Some of the CROWD have turned to listen to their conversation. Simon shifts about uncomfortably.

SIMON: (to Thomas) Look, can we have this conversation later? (to Crowd) Yes, thank you! Can everybody just, y'know...

Simon waves the crowd away. They reluctantly disperse. Simon and Thomas walk away. As they pass Mary's house, Mary appears at the door and looks up into the sky.

THOMAS: If she's up the duff, someone's going to make a fortune.
SIMON: What do you mean?
THOMAS: Well, they'll probably write some controversial book about it, or something.
SIMON: Ah... Now, about this Heaven thing...

Simon and Thomas walk off into the sunset...