Atheism, Coming to a Church Near You...

In the beginning Athe created the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur with a big bang.

Now all the matter and energy in the universe was at an immense temperature and density.

And Athe said, "Let there be electromagnetic radiation with a wavelength that is visible to the eye" and there was light. Athe saw that the light was good, but realised His opinion of light was just a subjective value based on an emotional response. And there was evening, and Athe showered, took a sleeping pill and went to bed and there was morning — the first day.

And Athe said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So Athe made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. Athe called the expanse "sky" but saw that it was difficult to define precisely, and suggested it might be "the denser gaseous zone of a planet's atmosphere". Or not. And there was evening, and Athe ate chicken chasseur, with a couple of glasses of chardonnay and went to bed. Without pills, Athe slept fitfully and there was morning — the second day.

And Athe said, "Let there be large expanses of saline water connected with an ocean (except a large, usually saline, lake that lacks a natural outlet) and part of the earth that is not covered by water." And it was so. Athe called the latter "land" and the former he called "seas." And Athe saw that it was good, within His own subjective value-system.

Then Athe, skipping self-reproducing RNA molecules, proto-cells, prokaryotes and chemoautotrophs, bacteria and archaea, cyanobacteria, multicellular organisms and all that other boring shit, said "Let the land produce vegetation: plants." And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants. And Athe saw that it was good, within his own subjective value-system. And there was evening, and Athe had a light bacon and avacodo salad, finished the chardonnay and watched BBC News 24 until he fell alseep and there was morning — the third day.

And Athe, seeing that everything was dying, said, "Oh crap! Quick, let there be massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth!" And it was so. Athe made the massive body of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion at the center of Earth's solar system and, in synchronous rotation, the Earth's natural satellite. He also made the other massive bodies of plasma in outer space producing energy through nuclear fusion. And Athe saw that it was "good" in His opinion. And there was evening, and Athe said "Let there be pizza delivery". And it was so. And Athe ordered a large thin-crust with pepperoni, mushrooms, spinach and onions, a side-salad and a diet Coke. And Athe saw that it was bad, by anyone's value-system, but ate it anyway and, being too nauseous to sleep, spent the night playing WoW and there was morning — the fourth day.

And Athe said, "Let the water teem with multi­cellular organisms capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms, and let bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So Athe created the great multi­cellular organisms capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms of the sea and every bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones according to its kind. And Athe saw that it was good, in his opinion. And there was evening, and Athe, finding nothing on TV worth watching said "Let there be pay-per-view movie channels". And it was so. And Athe watched Crash, as he had missed it when it was at the cinema, and saw that it was overrated, in his opinion, and Athe slept through the last 1/2 hour and there was morning — the fifth day.

And Athe was about to create life on the land when he said, "D'you know what - there's no fucking way I'm gonna sit here making up millions of different fucking species, I'm just gonna let speciation due to a process of natural selection take over. It's gonna save me a whole lotta trouble in the long run, believe me." And speciation occurred. And Athe, finding himself with little to do, began to wonder why he was talking to himself. And Athe slept through the day and waking found man had evolved from primates.

Athe blessed them and said to them, "Go forth and fornicate; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the water-dwelling vertebrate with gills of the sea and the bipedal, warm-blooded, oviparous vertebrate animals characterized primarily by feathers, forelimbs modified as wings, and hollow bones of the air and over every multi­cellular organism capable of locomotion and responsive to their environment which feed by consuming other organisms that moves on the ground."

Then Athe said, "I give you Food chains and food networks." And it was so.

Athe saw all that he had made, and it was very good, even if He did say so Himself. And there was evening, and Athe said "Let there be internet porn" and there was morning — the sixth day.

Thus the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur was completed in all its vast array.

By the seventh day Athe had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. And Athe blessed the seventh day and made it good for shopping and watching televised sport.