Saint Ronald

McDonalds announced recently they are to officially become a religion, beginning next month.

"Today, people want more than a choice of high-quality products at a good value. They also want to know the steps businesses take to operate in an ethical way and contribute to values that match their own. Many times, companies that lose the trust of their customers lose those customers’ business forever. Because the truth is, trust is difficult to earn and easy to lose."

Say Jim Skinner (Vice Chairman) and Charlie Bell (President and CEO), in their introduction to the McDonald's Corporate Responsibility Report.

"The switch to a faith-based organisation is a logical step to enable us to inspire greater trust in our products. The creative use of facts a religious organisation can adopt to sell their products is simply too much to resist..."

They go on to say...

"Extensive market research has found that people show greater customer loyalty towards a product which offers them an afterlife. Accordingly, McDonalds will now offer The Big Hereafter Points (BHPs) with every purchase. The more burgers you eat, the more likely you are to enjoy life (after death). What is heaven like, McDonald's style? Well, imagine a 24 hour McDonalds restaurant, but with cleaner washrooms. Eat as much as you like - no vomiting, no self-loathing!"

And it seems they intend to aggressively reverse the negative impact of years of bad press from health concerns.

"For decades, scientists have fed us theories of how a McDonalds burger is bad for you, unchallenged. Yet, while McDonalds have increased their sales in the US from 1000s of burgers a year in the 1960s to the billions we sell now, life expectancy in this country has increased from an average age of just 64 to a 77. Logically, therefore, it would actually seem the increase in burger consumption has had a beneficial effect on health in this country. We're not saying we can guarantee 100% that eating 3 Big Macs a day will almost certainly make you live longer, we just think children should be aware of the good health our fast food may bring them, depending on which theory you chose to believe.

"Besides, even if the scientists do have something more than just the teeniest shred of evidence, with your own rapidly delivered McDonalds' Eternal Bliss waiting for you, you probably won't want to hang about on this slow old planet, anyway.

Enjoy your meal."