News Round-Up

Having dragged my fatted carcass back from a week of this, I shall do a quick summary of the last 7 days events.

Sir Jonathan Sacks announced a new plan to end the long wait for the real messiah to turn up: A new reality show to be co-produced with ITV where hopeful applicants will be able to show off their messiah-like talents before a TV audience. In "Moshiach Idol" the audience will vote for their favourite messiah. Over the following weeks, those failing to live up to audience expectations will be given the boot and, finally, the remaining candidate with the most votes will be declared the true "Moshiach".

"If you think you've got what it takes to perfect the entire world to serve God together, as it is written, then go for it - this competition is open to all." Said Sir Jonathan.


Scientists across the world were embarrassed to discover they have all been the victims of a huge godly prank, as Jesus revealed scientific fact is, in fact, fictional.

"Dad thought it would be really funny to fool all you guys into thinking you could do all this stuff for yourself, like curing people and flying." Jesus revealed to a group of stunned scientists at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, having popped up from behind a large near-infrared laser, with a cheeky grin. "The look on your faces when you thought you were saving lives with bread mold - we were all in stitches."

"The flying thing is the funniest, though," He continued, fighting to control a chuckle, "Air flowing over wings creates differences in air pressure which creates lift... haha... I'm afraid you've been duped - it's only the power of God's precious and all-pervading love for mankind which keeps you aloft."

"You people will believe anything! Even a four and half billion year old planet! Four and half billions years! Haha, suckers! Sorry, I'm afraid it's just your plain old six thousand years..."

The news inspired Christian leaders to join in a collective sigh of relief, and one or two even struggled to hide a slight look of smugness. "Well, He may have fooled many. Of course, I always knew, deep in my heart, the Bible was right." said the Rev. Eugene A. Mendilscot of the Methodist Episcopal Church in Oxford Falls. "Yes, four and half billion years does sound a abit silly, when you think about it."

However, many scientists were still determined to instist their life's work had not been a total waste of time. "This is outrageous! This is basphemy! To suggest that science is a big joke is a joke in itself. The advancements in science, which have improved the lot of humanity considerably in the last few hundred years, have come about through the adherance to rigorous scientific methods." Insisted Nick Polgard, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Is He saying the pages and pages of evidence for superconductivity, for example, are fake?"

"Yep." grinned the Lord Our Saviour, "Superconductivity is merely the power of God. The Kingdom of Heaven inside you and outside you. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift a phenomenon occurring in certain materials at low temperatures, characterized by the complete absence of electrical resistance and the exclusion of the interior magnetic field, and you will find me."


Meanwhile, at this years God Awards, everyone was shocked when God, nominated in infinite categories, failed to win a single award.