We pick up the action after Jesus has returned from the dead, revealed himself to Simon and Thomas and is looking to make up for lost time...
INT. "GALILEE A-GO-GO" NIGHT CLUB, NAZARETH AD34 - NIGHT
Simon and Jesus hang out at the bar. The place is packed with nightlife revellers. The BAND hammer away on the chordophones and aerophones, creating a seductive beat.
Simon is looking past Jesus at an attractive young GIRL...
SIMON: She's looking at you...
Jesus about to turn...
SIMON: ...don't look, don't look! Wait!
Jesus remains looking at Simon, who takes furtive glances over Jesus shoulder.
SIMON: Okay, now look. Quick!
Jesus turns to look at the Girl. He quickly turns back before she turns to look at him again.
SIMON: Cool, huh? You dig?
JESUS: Yeah, I dig.
SIMON: She's giving you the look, buddy. The honey is waiting, go lick it up.
JESUS: What? What do I do? What do I say?
SIMON: Come on - "Son of God", remember? Go.
Jesus can't argue with that. Moves off to approach the girl. Halfway, he stops, turns and gives Simon a panicked look. Simon waves him forward.
Jesus approaches the girl, fiddling nervously with his robe.
JESUS: Er.. hi... er...
The girl smiles, waiting.
JESUS: Hey I was just er...
GIRL: You got something to say to me?
JESUS: Yes, I er...
GIRL: Say it. I won't bite.
Jesus frozen. Panic sets in. Then...
JESUS: Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
Simon watches as - The girl looks at Jesus as if he's crazy. Jesus turns and hurries back to Simon, humiliated.
SIMON: What happened?
JESUS: Nothing.
SIMON: What do you mean, "nothing"? What did she say?
JESUS: Nothing. She's just, y'know...
Simon frowns.
SIMON: What did you say?
JESUS: Just the usual line.
SIMON: (smells a rat) What?
JESUS: (Mumbling) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
SIMON: Huh?
JESUS: (resigned) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
SIMON: "I will make you fishers of men"? What're you offering to be her pimp, or something?
JESUS: I know, I know. It just came out, okay?
SIMON: (Glancing at the girl) Look, she's there for the taking, dude. My 97 year old rabbi could pull her. Get to work.
Jesus takes a deep breath. Moves back to the girl.
JESUS: Hello.
GIRL: Why did you run off?
JESUS: Why did I run off?
GIRL: Yeah.
JESUS: Well I... I just had to check something with my disciple.
GIRL: Disciple? What's that?
JESUS: Oh, sort of like a friend... thing...
GIRL: Friend thing?
The girl waits in uncomfortable silence. Jesus transfixed. Like a rabbit trapped in headlights. Sweat forming on his brow...
JESUS: (to himself) My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
GIRL: What?
JESUS: (blurting) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
GIRL: Huh?
JESUS: I er... I... Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
The girl looks at Jesus as if he's insane.
GIRL: Yeah, it's late isn't it? Gotta dash. "Nice" meeting you.
The girl heads for the exit. Jesus follows, desperate...
JESUS: Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?...
The girl makes a rapid exit.
Simon leans on the bar, supping his pint. Jesus approaches. Stands silently beside him.
SIMON: Well?
JESUS: You know what?
SIMON: What?
JESUS: Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
SIMON: Fair enough. Let's be honest, you're not really cut out for the for the pick-up game, are you?
JESUS: Guess not.
They sup their pints quietly.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Jesus Christ: The Resurrection Years
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
22 comments:
Well, I hope this will, once and for all, put an end to all those blokes claiming, "Y'know, If I could walk on water I'd be neck-deep in punani"
You clearly can't beat a sense of humour or a large trust fund.
Ouch... I was chuckling away, paving my own little road to hell, and then all of a sudden, WHAMMO!!! You hit me with some sort of moral ending... That was devious AND cruel. Now I have to go and do something bad to make up...
There's plenty more fish in the sea - Jesus of all people should know that, mr angry.
Didn't realise the ending had any moral to it... "some are made to be celebate, and some have celebacy thrust upon them", perhaps.
I thought Simon was saying Jesus couldn't pick up a non-believe if he tried. Oh well.
I've written something open to interpretation!
YES!
Congrats, now let's go celebrate with a pint or two...or three..or.. LOL
yay, what're you having?
By the way, Simon, you're tagged. Make your list. Check out my blog. This Too Shall Pass.
As for what I'll have, how bout some Yeungling's??
Gotta say - this confirms all my previous notions that the Bible may not, in fact, be the greatest source of hottie lust-inducing quips :-)
I took aspotle simon's parable as meaning that Mohammed was definitely a bigger stud that his Jewish counter-part.
No?
lol
I can see how the story could be taken in all ways. Mohammed was a bigger stud for sure. I think Jesus may be up for the old sympathy jobbee. It was catholic guilt. He was having a preminition of all those catholic nuns whipping boys in the crutch with rulers and the like... Poor jesus. Such a confused soul, but good at what he did.
Send that in to South Park for an extended episode, Thomp LOL
Now that's what you call a
good imagination. Simon what
did you mean when you
commented that you told me
so on my blog?
Hello. I have been seeing your running commentary in Centurdion, and I am impressed. I though I would pay a visit here, and I enjoyed the story of the two wankers. "JC:TRY" is too long to read now, but I may get back to it later.
You should be more gentle to Centurdion. He is a secret moslem, and is terribly afraid someone will find out .
Original story?
Amusing.
I was trying to think what would happen if Jesus tried to chat up a girl, jeeper, and though it would be amusing if he couldn't help but come out with his Biblical "wisdom".
Hi chamblee. centurion amuses me.
michele, I told you, did I not, that the sky would fall on your head. No? oh, must have been someone else then.
Hi Simon, thanks for dropping by in my small blog.
Tony
Ah - light relief. If anyone wants mildly heavyish relief from this light relief, go to my blog.
By the way, who would win a fight between Jesus and the Iraq war coalition?
http://thedrink.blog.com
Hi Tony. Good to see you.
Coming your way, Neil
That played out rather funny! Yay verily, tis not the book of thy choosing 4 dates!
;]
Hi bender. Hows it hanging?
Post a Comment