My favourite part of religious bullshit is the prophecy stuff.
I was reading this post and followed some of the links to "popular prophecy sites". Here's some analysis of Ezekiel's amazing insight into the future (you might want to turn your sound off). I like the 200 or so pictures of modern killing machines to get you in the mood. Then we get into some good old prophesizing.
Apparently, God told him "...I will bring thee forth, and all thine army, horses and horsemen, all of them clothed with all sorts of armour, even a great company with bucklers and shields, all of them handling swords..." What, up against all those nukes, tanks and fighter jets? God's gonna get creamed. What's God messing around with armies for, anyway? One good flood usually does the trick.
Maybe Him and Allah are like wargaming geeks. I can see them hunched over a table-top....
God: "Hey, you already moved that."
Allah: "It's a cavalry unit, it gets an extra move when it's charging."
God: "What the fuck?! Where does it say that?!"
God snatches the rule book from Allah's hands and reads. Eventually...
God: "Four point seven: When charging over open terrain, cavalry units get an extra move."
Allah: "Thank you."
God: "Over open terrain, you mother-fucking cheat!"
Allah: "That is open terrian, you dickwad!"
God: "No it fuckin' ain't!"
Allah turns to Shiva...
Allah: "Shiva, come over here and tell this loser-asshole..."
Shiva sighs and moves over to the board. He examines the area...
Shiva: "It's hills..."
Allah: "Whhaaaaattt?!"
Shiva: "...and some trees."
God: "Haha - looooser!"
Allah sweeps a hand over the area which becomes instantly flat.
God: "HEY!"
Allah: "So, I guess my cavalry unit gets an extra move..."
Allah is about to move his cavalry unit. God waves a hand. Suddenly the table-top map is flooded...
Allah: "You are one sad mother-fucking diety, you know that? I had you, there."
God shrugs. Allah sighs.
God: "Jenga?"...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The End is Nigh
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25 comments:
ROFL..is this why the earth is such a mess? Deities fighting over a game? Hmmm....Make a move of it, Simon ;)
I think they both better stick to tellin' Tall Tales, like the folks who created 'em.
I'd prefer to make a movie of it, dabich.
michael, I noticed today in wikipedia they have a category for "fictional deities" - like there's a separate category.
"God's gonna get creamed"
That's so funny, because these guys are committed to reading everything in Revelations as absolutely literal ... down to the swords and shields.
As a Christian, I obviously disagree with you about some things, but I'm as amazed as you are at what you can find out there. I had no idea how wild this can get.
Yeah, I didn't understand where he got the idea Russia was part of the prophecy. It's literal but at the same time totally confused.
But, honestly, I love all the prophecy stuff. It's wonderfully imaginative. That's the kind of insanity that I prefer.
...Except when they start gunning people down in shopping centres.
I stand corrected, Simon. And I feel privileged that you understood my typo :P
And so you should.
O shit!!! I had to smother myself to avoid being heard LMAO at work!!!
shhh
Don't let EFB hear ya, Scribe, you might get lucky and get fired!
Smart ass LOL
I know it's real petty (a bit of a theme of mine) but the last book of the New Testament is the book of Revelation. There is no final s to make it plural. Its full title is 'The Revelation of St John the Divine'. This to make clear it is not the same John who wrote John's Gospel who is St John the Evangelist. Thought you'd all like to know.
I think we all seem to agree that the people who take it literally are as weird as the vision itself so it's peace and harmony all round the blogosphere tonight. Now where did I leave my scythe?
st lol...love the humor, and I didn't know the exact title. Thanks for filling me in.
Erm... what?
Will everyone now join me in reading about Ezekiel... Wikipedia, Chapters 4-6.
"With no other prophet are vision and ecstasy so prominent; and he repeatedly refers to symptoms of severe maladies, such as paralysis of the limbs and of the tongue (3:25 et seq.), and the cutting off of erect penises (29:7-9), from which infirmities he is relieved only upon the announcement of the downfall of Jerusalem (24:27, 33:22).
Ezekiel also exhibits one of the most down to earth and bawdy attitudes of all the biblical authors, referring to the remembrances of a whore in a notorious passage (23:20) recounting her past lovers who were as well hung as donkeys and whose ejaculate was like the issue of horses."
And upon the ravings of such lunes is the faith of Christianity based.
Yay, verily, yay.
erm...I was posting to st
Wow, porn in the bible. Love it.
erm... so was I
yeah, right
good morning, old bean
G'mornin Simon, dude :P
This was pretty fucking funny. We Christians can laugh at ourselves. We know all this shit is true but we go on anyway...
Hi Deana. Why do you go on anyway?
Why not?
If you're just a Christian because you can't be bothered not to be, that sounds rubbish to me.
What is it? You just like to go along for the company and a nice chinwag?
There are other ways to build a community without basing it on a the false worship and an imaginary being.
Simon, I don't know what I am at this point. I'm a fallen away Catholic. I DO, however, believe in God. I'm like Scribe in that I'm looking for answers, but unlike him in that I do still believe in God. Right now I don't have the time to figure out what I want.
What makes you believe in a god, dabich?
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