Easter Sinday

Simon and Thomas sit in a pub supping some beers, a bit gloomy.

Thomas: So, what you gonna do now?
Simon: Dunno. I'm feeling kinda drained.
Thomas: Yeah, you been through it.
Simon: The worst bit was the mocking. Fucking retards. No fucking respect.

Thomas stares into his pint silently. Then...

Thomas: They had a point, though. I mean, if he was this god... son of god... whatever...

Simon gives him a sharp look.

Thomas: Okay, okay...

Simon and Thomas gaze into their beers in silence. We hear a voice...

Voice: Hey guys, why the glum faces?

Simon and Thomas look up to see the voice belongs to Jesus, standing behind them. They are dumbstruck.

Jesus: (indicating the beers) What can I get you?
Simon: What the fuck?!
Jesus: A pint of 'What The Fuck'. Man, they come up with some crazy names for beer these days.
Thomas: Jesus, what the fuck, man?!
Jesus: (to the Barman) Two pints of 'What The Fuck'... make it three.
Simon: Stop fucking with us, you son of a bitch.
Jesus: (looking innocent) What?
Thomas: Er, like, you're supposed to be dead. Crucified and all that shit.
Jesus: Yeah, cool, huh? I am the bonafide, mother-fucking, Son of God, you suckers! Do I rock or do I rock?
Simon: Woah, you so rock, man! You so rock!

Jesus and Simon slap hands and bump butts three times in well-rehearsed celebration. Jesus turns to slap hands with Thomas, but he isn't playing.

Thomas: Wait a minute. Are you seriously suggesting you used godly powers to come back from the dead?
Jesus: Fuck yeah.
Thomas: Come on, that's bullshit.
Jesus: Yeah? Well check this out...

Jesus pulls back his robe to reveal blood seeping from a deep spear-wound in his chest.

Thomas: Fuck me.
Jesus: You with me, now, Mr there's-got-to-be-a-rational-explanation Thomas?
Thomas: Maybe, but that is kinda sick, though. Do you have to do that?
Jesus: I like it.
Thomas: Yeah, mate, but you're dripping. And they just put new straw down. Why don't you just heal that up?
Jesus: Well, it all adds to the effect, you know what I'm saying?
Thomas: Whatever.
Simon: Well, sit down. The beers are on me, no argument.
Jesus: (sitting down) I thought you'd never ask. I'm fucking parched, I can tell you.
Simon: So, what now, dude? I guess it's back to spreading the word. Yeah, we still got that sermon booked for May...
Jesus: Fuck that shit. Listen, I'm only around for another forty days or so, let's make the most of it.
Simon: Er... what?
Jesus: Yeah, I got to thinking while I was hanging about, waiting to make my re-appearance: life is for living, you know. I've been putting all my time into the messiah gig, there's a whole lotta stuff I been missing out on, you know what I'm saying?
Simon: Is this a parable?
Jesus: Yeah, it's a parable where the Son of God finally gets to dip his wick.

Simon and Thomas are speechless. Jesus scans the pub - no chicks.

Jesus: This place is dead, man, lets go find some action.
Simon: But, Jesus...
Jesus: What?
Simon: Well... (whispering) you can't.
Jesus: Buddy, the Son of God wants him some pussy, you gotta problem with that?

Simon thinks.

Jesus: Remember when I fixed your little willy problem?
Simon: (glancing around the bar) Okay, okay... shhh.
Jesus: I can reverse that, you know.
Simon: Whatta we hanging around here for? Those babes aren't gonna screw themselves, you know.
Jesus: Not unless they let me watch, buddy, not unless they let me watch...

Jesus stands and exits.

Thomas: Dude, I'm gonna bail - I gotta get up early and do some doubting.
Simon: Cool... listen, keep this to yourself, won't you?
Thomas: Yeah, no worries.

Simon about to exit...

Thomas: Oh, Simon... Happy Easter. I just wanted to be the first one to say it.
Simon: Oh, right. Cheers.

Simon exits. Thomas finishes his pint.