Forgive Me If I Appear Paranoid...

There's this rumour thing going round. They're saying I've been up to no good. And it's all because of this bloke who's been bad-mouthing me in his book. I wouldn't mind, but I've never even met the guy.

See, I heard it from a friend this week. "He says you've been acting immorally" he said. I said "What?! Are you sure?!" He said, "Oh yeah, it's all there, in black and white. Go check for yourself."

So I did. And he was right. The book says I've 'sinned'. How does this bloke have the audacity, I ask you?! How does he have the cheek?! I was so angry, I nearly squashed my Morrisons chicken, bacon and avacado sarny, I was holding at the time.

He doesn't go into detail or anything, which shows you what a pack of lies it all is.

I hope.

So I had to sit and take stock: Some geezer I don't know from Adam is slandering me in his book. And now he's gone and sold five billion copies of the bloody thing! The entire world, it seems, is now under the impression I've been very very naughty. What will the neighbours think?

Y'know, I'm sure people are giving me funny looks. Yes, now I think about it, this explains a lot.

That's why the guy at the corner shop dumped my change down on the counter without so much as a 'thank you'. That why that young woman sitting next to me on the bus got up and moved to another seat as soon as one became available. That's why my girlfiend won't have sex with me anymore - she says it's because I'm an unromantic, flabby, boring old sod with a small penis, but now I know the truth... They've all been reading this damn book!

See, that's the thing. Just saying I've 'sinned' leaves everything to their imagination, doesn't it? God knows what they think I've been up to.

What am I to do? I could take him to court, but that's just going to make matters worse - even more people would want to read his stupid book to find out what he said about me. And what chance have I got of getting an unbiased jury? "Look at the work I've done for charity." He'll say. The jury will look at me and, even though there's no evidence I've misbehaved, "There's no smoke without fire..." they'll be thinking, with their suspicious minds.

Besides, I'm unlikely to receive any damages awarded - the author is bound to plead poverty.

No, I think the best thing is to keep my head down and wait for this whole episode to blow over. I'm sure this book is just a passing fad. They'll soon get bored. You'd think they'd be more concerned about global warming than whether little old me has sinned or not.

Oh, I'd better warn you - the book says you've been naughty, too. So watch out.